February of this year we were so happy to find out we were expecting again! My last two pregnancies went so great and I couldn’t wait to experience it again. I started setting appointments and preparing for this little bub in my belly just like the two times before. It wasn’t too long after when I started feeling tired and unmotivated. Most days all I wanted to do was sit on the couch and do nothing. I really had to push myself to play and do activities with Ryder and Rowan. My husband, Ryan would suggest we go places with friends and I just wasn’t up for it. Housework would pile up until he came home from work. I didn’t think much of it thought that since I was in the first trimester of my pregnancy, those symptoms would pass and it would (hopefully) get better in a few weeks.
The second trimester of my pregnancy finally arrived and after weeks of hoping that the first trimester symptoms would pass like they did with my past two pregnancies, they only started to get worse. Housework continued to pile up. I dreaded putting myself to work on Ryder + Rowan. Orders were going out towards the end of their shipment date or a few days after. I would open up instagram planning to post for the day only to find myself closing it about 20 minutes later after staring at a blank draft. It ended up in me ghosting it all together. There were multiple times I had finally talked myself into designing and sewing new items for the shop. When I sat down at the machines I found myself just sitting there running what I needed to do in my head over and over again, not starting anything at all. I knew that it wasn’t right and it was on my mind all the time that I was going to do better. The more I stressed about it the more I started waking up in the middle of the night with my mind racing. I would think about all kinds of things like everything that needed to get done or horrible scenarios that could happen to me or my children in certain situations. Those thoughts would make my heart race and would keep me up for hours.
I have always heard about women having anxiety and depression during pregnancy, but I never thought that it would happen to me. The hardest part was accepting and embracing the fact that anxiety and depression was apart of me for the first part of my pregnancy. I wanted so badly to take control over this myself and as soon as possible. So I very determinedly began searching for ways to cope with it. All of the lists that I had in my mind that I ran through multiple times a day, I finally wrote on paper and organized them into what and when I needed to get done. We started going on walks around our neighborhood. I started small goals to work into bigger goals, for cooking, cleaning and R+R. From there I started getting back into the swing of things and it felt so great to lift some weight off of Ryan’s shoulders. My mind is more clear and I now make it a point to be present in the moment and be the best person I can be for the people around me. I’m back to being more creative and designing new items for R+R. Sewing has become more enjoyable than ever and it’s a great escape for me again.
The anxiety and depression are still there and I have come to terms with it. Some days are harder than others and I do still struggle. I am very grateful as I know that there are worse cases than mine. I am so blessed to have an amazing husband who supports me and every decision I choose. I have two amazing little boys and another on the way who are my biggest motivators. My best friend Brenda for always being a great listener when I vent to her about even the littlest things! My family has always been here and help when needed.
Anxiety and depression are often overlooked. If you notice there is something off when it comes to someone close to you or around you, I encourage you to talk to them and ask if anything is bothering them. Even if they don’t want to talk, just knowing that you are there for them and that you care for them means more than you will ever know. It is so easy for someone with anxiety and depression to put on a smile and act like everything is okay. I know that I am going to be more aware and sensitive to myself and everyone around me and will do everything I can to help anyone in need.